Excerpts from the JESUS DIARIES:
Date: May 6th (somewhere in the pre-me, post-me period)
Was called today to the house of two women whose brother had died. Had
to disrupt my lunch yet again and walked for hours to another village.
A pretty serious smell met me when I arrived so it was probably better
that I hadn't eaten. After a lot of intense focusing the corpse, Lazarus
(whose last name escapes me though I don't think that the village was
big enough for last names) after some stretching to get a little circulation
going and after some serious wailing form the sisters, pulled me aside
and told me that with all due respect I'd be better off minding my own
business because he'd been trying to get away from these ladies for quite
some time. He said that they worked him too hard and wailed quite a lot
for pretty much any reason. No sooner than he'd told me that did one of
the sisters begin pressing him about the insurance papers. Amidst this
family rejoicing I bade my leave and began my journey back homewards with
my ears still ringing from the wailing. I've got to learn to trust the
will of the father more and perhaps just raise close friends from death
and maybe just those who subscribe to the newsletter.
Date: Aug 11th
Really wish I hadn't done that water into wine thing, as from time to
time it still comes back to haunt me. Was at a party today with a few
of the disciples (or as Mother likes to call them: the dishevelled)
and was asked by an already drunk host if I could manage to turn some
left over goat's milk into beer. But not just any beer, but according
to him 'the kind that those heathen Saxons make'. I didn't really think
it wise, water into wine is one thing, but milk into beer takes time and
I was already a little intoxicated myself. People are really weird sometimes.
Like that guy who while I was feeding the multitudes with the 2 fish and
five loaves, complained loudly that if I were really the son of God I'd
have left the bones out of the snapper.
Date: Sept 5th
Was inspired to write a poem today. I think that I will call it 'the Lord's
prayer' (does that sound too vain?). I read it to Joseph and he liked
it but said that it might have been too long. So I took out the bit about
lawyers which cut it down to about half.
Date: Oct 4th
Went into a vision after eating a mushroom omelette at Andrew's house,
that a strange new invention far off in the future would be named after
me. It was called a Chrysler and would transport people all over the land
but wouldn't be able on water which confused me somewhat. It also felt
like none of my ancestors would be receiving any royalties from it either.
Date: Nov 12th
Had to endure another speech from Mother today about why shouldn't it
be possible for me to augment my Messiah training with studying for a
Law degree. Once again I had to hear her point out to me that very few
Messiahs work out and find steady employment, while I was in the best
area in the world for lawyers and would only receive the best training.
First the doctor thing, then her crazy attempts to get me interested in
Architecture ("they'll always need housing") and now this. Sometimes
I get the feeling that she's still mad at me at not being so easy to explain.
I don't want to be a lawyer, I just want to be Jesus. Is that against
Date: Nov 18th
Had been told by a niece about someone in the village square getting stoned.
As I arrived I recognized the smell. It's the second time that I've fallen
for that and when I returned home my niece was having quite a good laugh.
Date: Dec 21st
At a Christmas party in my honour I had to break up a fight between Judas
and Peter and in the process (I affirm that I do not know what came over
me) got in a few good licks on Judas. I can't explain it but sometimes
after a few beers I just want to punch Judas. That's when I have to remind
myself that being the son of man leaves me more open to lawsuits.
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MILANO 21st OCTOBER 2005
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