The forest fascists were gone. They were on their annual 3 week rotation, during which they were replaced by 'temps' who treated the rotation like a camp holiday. They drunk a lot of beer, roasted more than a few hotdogs and marshmallows, told racy stories, lied about a few adventures and fell asleep only to begin another loose reunion the next day. And unlike the usual forest guards, the professionals always on the lookout for promotion and for whom no statute or minutia of the law could ever be overlooked, lest they lose points, their replacements were generally young people who volunteered for this service because they liked the forest and its inhabitants. They felt comfortable there. They were likewise by the animals comfortably received. So Woody, perched upon his concrete pole was buzzing and playing air guitar. It had been some time since a meeting with Doctor Deemus, his state appointed psychotherapist, his programmer, as he too were on holiday, to the relief of the woodpecker. Then there was the fact that it had been mandated by 'the council', that Woody's treatment were proceeding according to schedule, so he were unchained, to his immense satisfaction and been given instead a radio tag that was calibrated to give him shocks, should he stray beyond the forest perimeter he were confined to. Being Woody, naturally, heavily doped on his medications, he took off one night. Only to awaken the next morning on the perch of Nate the Night Owl, who had found him splayed out on the forest floor and looking as dazed and confused as a nursing baby in a titty bar. Woody were grateful to have been found by Nate, before being found by the forest marshals, or he would've been detained for some time and scheduled more hours with the doctor/programmer, Deemus. And even though he and a few other forest creatures felt that the moniker, 'Nate the Night Owl' was a little redundant. Owing to the fact that Owls are anyway known to be legendary night watchmen, the patron saints of insomnia. He were still grateful for the hospitality of Nate, who had also turned him on to his favorite band, THE WHO. A love which Nate had inherited from his father, Pete. And it was 'Late Night' Nate after all who had told Woody that the best way to get a cougar to remember your name was to get her to spell it, while you were spanking her. Nate even allowed Woody to indulge himself in some good old fashioned wood drilling on his family tree, and you have to know how swell it felt for Woody to finally, after what seemed like an eternity, have a real nature planted tree to bash his head against, to drill his beak into, instead of his concrete pole with reinforced Portland cement which he were forced to call home. A real tree felt like a slice of paradise spreading its arms wide. So here now was the woodpecker, on his own pole flailing his arms about and imagining himself to be a rock star and free. Playing for all of the forest beasts and those who love them. Suddenly, in the midst of his rapture, as if being invaded by a light, in his mind's eye he encounters THE SPHINX. For the bird, this is the cherry on top of a nut encrusted sundae. Cried out the woodpecker, “Lord Sphinx, Cool!” It were not necessary for the Sphinx to speak, although, as the burial chamber of THE THIRD ALIEN, where an ancient spell had placed him at rest, he could communicate, as he could also travel, by thought projection. Sometimes, merely being imagined by the bird gave him a transfer of energy which helped to inspire and sustain him. The woodpecker could feel the flow from the Sphinx which clearly conveyed that if his spirits were on the rise, this bade well for the future and for his mind.
“I am beginning to understand more of what is the ZOOATHALON. I see now that it is not only about the precession of the equinoxes, or the turning of the zodiac wheel. I see now that it is about the interrelationship between both common and uncommon systems”, said Woody. The Sphinx again said nothing though his energy related that this was correct, while still being but one more layer of the onion. Of course at different times, the woodpecker caught a glimpse into the multilayered meaning of the Zooathalon and its significance. He also, on a few occasions, felt that it had a connection with some kind of 'Mothership', or ARK. Hearing the woodpecker thinking this within his mind, the Sphinx sent a thought wave. 'Yes, you are also correct, but think on me now, while I am here'. Which had the instant effect of bringing the woodpecker back into the moment's directness, at least while the Sphinx were with him in his mind. 'Life stretches out these answers dear friend, as a courtesy to our pace. It is not wise to push time around, because time pushes back'. And having said these last words, THE SPHINX, disappeared back into the frequency he had arrived from. “Wow”, thought Woody, and slumping suddenly his shoulders, out of nowhere, he began to cry. Silent, sincere, sobs. He were overcome with emotion and had to release it, with a 'FINALLY' attached to it. Tears are the ribbons which men see not enough of, so all which fall are pearls of confession, that we too are not above the pain. Nor the joy of its release. He remembered his last meeting with DOCTOR DEEMUS, who while Woody was trying to catch a sly nap, was going on about something like... (what was it..Oh yeah), BEWARE IN THE DISTANCE WHAT YOU BEHOLD, FOR UP CLOSE, THEY MAY JUST BE STRAW HORSES AND PAPER TIGERS. For some reason, that had jumped out at him and lodged itself into his jellied brain. Ok, so his dark mood passed, he wasn't sad anymore. Sometimes the medications, the 'meds', made him unexpectedly umbilical.He would get quickly withdrawn, sullen and more introspective than he would like, yet had to deal with just the same. The pills even , though not often, interfered with his favorite transgressions with his new cougar friend, though she understood. Sometimes she even joined him in his meds, during their late night encounters. Now that he could fly at night to her, this put the manhood back into his willing wicked ways, and much to her delight. Still, overall, clearly life was looking up. And, although universally woodpeckers are known to complain if necessary, this particular woodpecker was certain that if ever there were a time to complain about less, now was the time. He recalled the advice given to him by THE SPHINX, on trying to see his relationship, while it lasted with Dr.Deemus, less in terms of 'censorship' and more in terms of 'editing'. The difference being that one sought to suppress what was true, while the other sought to clarify and reveal it. Even if it took a sharp blade to pierce the bone marrow of indifference.

It wasn't as if NOAH had to do ALL of the work. He had clout. Influence. So, naturally he subcontracted. And upon whose shoulders some of the grind and grunt work fell was a one Mr. LUTHER MEANS. Luther was a 'weaver'. One of those persons who weaved themselves in and out of events as required, those who walk in and out of history to push along the progress of species, including our venerable own. A contractor if you will of evolution. A space walker. He knew the doors and where they were. The TIME DOORS. Luther always meant business, regardless of the task at hand, so he was much chagrined at this task of arranging for the pre-boarding of the animals during the time that master NOAH was away on vacation, touring the outer Hebrides. This were an important event for the ZOOATHALON, so it had to be done with great concentration. Not to mention what Luther saw as shaping up to be quite a political challenge as well. Luther Means had no idea, even as a 'gravity bender' that this pre-boarding would be so fraught with hysterics and confrontations with his sanity. The main problem was two fold. First, it seemed that there were absolutely NO WAY, that he were ever going to be able to convince BOTH 800 pound gorillas that there was a place for them each on the ARK. He had not anticipated the sheer size of each gorillas determination to be the only 800 pounder on board. He were informed in no uncertain terms that what worked for the other species were fine by them, but 800 pounders just didn't roll like that. They were far too territorial. Who on God's green, but soon to be flooded earth had ever heard of ANY story at all, ANYWHERE, where two 800 pound gorillas are in it? Who? Furthermore, the second part of the problem was the gorillas great fear of the presence, the inclusion of THE SHORT WAVE BANDITS. For in these here neck of the high plains, known for their powers of mental concentration and projection are a species of caterpillar known as the 'KILLER CATERPILLARS'. They are called the Short Wave Bandits for their ability to get into the mind and third eye of any creature and temporarily paralyze it with hypnosis. It has even been said that when the Lemmings go off the sides of cliffs, it is the work of the Short Wave Bandits, simply demonstrating their powers in order to protect their reputation. With this in mind, there was not even a chance that ONE 800 pound gorilla would risk getting on that damn boat, no matter how many halos it might have had around it. It can be faithfully said that 800 pound gorillas fear nothing much at all.
And the killer caterpillars are nothing much at all. At least not to look at. They are about no longer that the average credit card at best and a dull muted spotted gray. They do not look any more menacing than a book worm. But 800 pound gorillas know different. They know that an 800 pound gorilla has vulnerabilities. Not many, but one being their abject fear of being paralyzed by the killer caterpillars, and other animals ganging up on them. Or, being hypnotized and made to think of itself as a moose. Or a moose which thinks itself to be a mouse being attacked by mice which anecdotes say have happened. 800 pound gorillas were raised to understand by other 800 pound gorillas that image is not to be taken lightly. Perception is all. Or, they lose respect for you as an enforcer. Or you and your species begin disappearing from 800 pound gorilla jokes, only to have your place taken in those stories by Baboons and their kin. They hated overexposure for the same reason. It lessened their impact as the punch line, which were a lucrative source of bread and butter for them and their tribe, their watering hole. Hell no, it couldn't be like that, so wouldn't be like that. It might also cut into their merchandising! To Luther Means, who had but 3 days before the pre-boarding exercise that the animals of the Zooathalon had to participate in, if they wished inclusion, this were a conundrum he would have preferred to have passed on to another member of Noah's team of architects, engineers, scientists, and animal trainers for the more diva like among the creatures. He also couldn't fail to notice how much the animal trainers were like unto their own separate species, and that they themselves seemed to need training more than the animals who paid their salaries. He had, like the rest of Noah's crew, been left strict instruction to include all of the samples of life which they could find. They had been instructed to take DNA samples from what could not be provided space for aboard the vessel. He might have decided to have the 800 pound gorillas 'put down' and just their blood and tissue material taken, so that the caterpillar issue wouldn't be. But it were generally agreed that having live, active 800 pounders aboard the craft would serve as a stabilizing effect on some of the wilder animals. It was like having King Kong on the ship to keep the peace. For most of the other animals, the Short Wave Bandits were respected, they were kind of heroes in a way and many animals told of instances where the killer caterpillars were known to induce higher states of dream like consciousness upon those who showed the requisite respect. It was all in how you approached them. Moreover, they had done a pretty good job convincing the rest of the animals of their, the SHORT WAVE BANDITS, 'supreme importance to the ecosystem'. Yeah, whatever, because, going WAY BACK, 800 pound gorillas and the killer caterpillars in these parts of God's green, get along about as well as a Red Sox and a Yankee. They get on about as well as AC Milan and Inter Milan, a Hatfield and a McCoy. Which is to say, 'SCREW YOU NOAH, YOU BETTER DRAW UP NEW PLANS'. When Luther Means agreed to step within time and participate in the GENOME PROJECT, Codenamed: ZOOATHALON, he could not have envisioned an encounter with the very nervous skunks who had to be repeatedly reassured that they would not only be aboard the ship as blood samples. They were well aware that quite a few other animals, if given the vote, would vote them on only as tissue matter stored in a vial, a petri dish, in a box. Luther laughed while recalling the dark joke a skunk captain made when inquiring about the truth of the rumors that they would be stored as samples in boxes. Who had with gallows humor replied, 'We skunks do our best thinking OUTSIDE the box, if you know what I mean'. And he would have had no idea that giraffes, who can see over everything and everyone were so particular about where they had to be placed. He had no clue until then that not ALL beings were amused by the sound of singing chipmunks. And that around here, if you were a talking horse, you were simply told to shut up. And he still were not sure which of the fish species to invite on board, and which to simply issue an invitation to follow along the side of the boat, while it was in the water, and perhaps just give them 'per diems'. He were aware that the sharks were petitioning to be paid for securing the boats perimeter in the water, and that the whales wished to have no part in any of it. Word being that according to some kind of secret deal, the whales would inhabit the coast of a country named after them when land reappeared. As it were, those next 3 days would be full of challenges to Mean's authority and graft until such a time as THAT moment arrives when it all suddenly falls into place as smoothly as a ball falls down from the sky after having been tossed so gleefully by those active hands, at peace with themselves in this wondrous parade of life and consciousness. Vanity abounding, folly fitfully unfolding, menace unmoored and wits unchained, THE ZOOATHALON. One thing however was made very clear to him by the 800 pound gorillas, both of them. “And don't even THINK about replacing us with normal gorillas. Those spoiled NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC bitches, silverback or otherwise, 'cause IT DON'T WORK LIKE THAT FOOL”. And somewhere a group of 'wetback' gorillas are stirring, and figuring soon might be the time to make THEIR move. Make their presence felt. As far as they were concerned, there was no way that the silverbacks were going to be invited at the exclusion of the wetbacks. You can believe that. If they had to start something, they would. Nor would their fierce pride allow them to be 'reclassified' as another species of gorilla, or as they saw it, REBRANDED, to keep the numbers tidy and classifications neat.
LUTHER MEANS would crack the code, of this he were sure. He just had to keep his thinking cap on for a while longer. Besides, to him, these conceits were none more striking than our own human ones, who, having imagined ourselves once upon a time as human, are now stuck with our own impression.

LUTHER MEANS were also, while preparing his paperwork, given to understand that 800 pound gorillas were averse to confusion and that something urgently had to be done to clarify this whole mess between GORILLAS and GUERILLAS. To the gorillas, it were stupid to have two different spellings of what was supposed to mean the same thing, as all gorillas are warriors to themselves. So, what's with these other infringing assholes?
'Are they going to be on the boat too'? The 800 pound gorillas had definitely earned the intellectual respect of Luther by having insulted him one day during a routine survey. Working together for at least this once, they had asked him, “So what does a Scotsman keep under his kilt?” When Means confessed ignorance, they had both in tandem replied, “YOUR FATHER'S PHONE NUMBER”.

Stories by Sananda. May 4^th 2010. Copyright and intellectual property claimed. With added vitamin D. All rights reserved - www.SanandaMaitreya.com

'Straw Horses & Paper Tigers'