Naughty or nice?
06:42 PM CST on Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Santa's a busy man. Does he really have time to follow the
chutes-and-ladders-style behavior of the average pop star? We, on the
other
hand, have been making a list – the DUIs, the backstage misbehavior
and the
secret good deeds – and checking it twice. We've got gift tips and
substitutes
for that old lump of coal – why should Santa get his hands dirty?
Here now, our lists of who's been naughty and who's been nice.
Lists compiled by Thor Christensen, Rob Clark, Teresa Gubbins, Mario
Tarradell
NAUGHTY
MADONNA, for blabbing on about how great motherhood is, then feigning
a bogus
lesbian kiss with Britney Spears that looked as if it came straight from
a badly
acted porn film, all to sell her crappy album, which tanked anyway.
COAL: A week's employment at a seedy stripper dive.
JA RULE, who spent most of the year trying to prove he's tougher than
50 Cent
but failed miserably.
COAL: Humility lessons from MC Hammer.
GLEN CAMPBELL, for that embarrassing, dangerous and stupid drunken-driving
episode last month, when he crashed, tried to flee the accident and then
kneed a
sergeant in the thigh.
COAL: A sturdy new wagon. Obviously, he fell off the one he had.
EMINEM, who made headlines for songs in which he dissed black women and
rapped
about killing the president (He apologized for the former, but not the
latter).
COAL: A weeklong "sensitivity training" seminar.
CLAY AIKEN, notorious cat-hater who claimed in Rolling Stone that he
once drove
his car over a kitty.
COAL: A framed copy of PETA's ad that says, "Get Neutered: It Didn't
Hurt Clay
Aiken."
DAVID LEE ROTH, for his rude behavior in concert at NextStage, where
he poured a
bottle of Jack Daniels all over a girl in the audience in a really crude
way.
COAL: Subscription to Ms. magazine.
CHER, whose endless, 18-month-plus "farewell" tour kept coming
back two and
three times to cities she had already played. Still, the trek is not over.
COAL: A new dictionary, to look up the word "farewell.
NICE
TERENCE TRENT D'ARBY, whose first album in forever, Wildcard! , was
one of the
year's most impressive.
GIFT: A boost in sales. Maybe direct withdrawals from R. Kelly's album
sales
profits.
KID ROCK, for sticking by Pamela Anderson after she announced she had
hepatitis
C and for being genuinely in love with her. And she still broke it off!
GIFT: Box of chocolates.
DOLLY PARTON, for her last four wonderful, largely acoustic albums, from
1999's
The Grass Is Blue to this year's For God and Country .
GIFT: More makeup, wigs, flashy dresses and stiletto-heeled shoes.
ALAN JACKSON, for giving pop icon Jimmy Buffett his first No. 1 single
on any
chart with the hit country duet, "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere."
GIFT: The tallest margarita in Key West.
THE REV. AL GREEN, who finally treated fans to an R&B album after
years of
recording only gospel music.
GIFT: A free pass through the Pearly Gates and a spot in the front row
of
heaven's choir.
BONO, who spent much of the year helping third-world countries battle
AIDS and
debt.
GIFT: Lifetime exemption from cynics who mock him for trying to save the
world.
JENNY TOOMEY, for her continued campaigning as leader of the Future of
Music
Coalition, a musicians' advocacy group that seeks to improve public policy
as it
pertains to music.
GIFT: The continuing implosion of the major labels.
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